As a young man, Saul wasn’t very nice. He once watched a man named Stephen preaching God’s word attacked by a mob and stoned to death. And that young man held the coats of Stephen’s attackers and he agreed that Stephen should die; Acts 8:1 states “And Saul approved of their killing him”.[i]
Later in life he would pursue the followers of a nascent religion with vigor and with violence. Saul would go door to door and arrest the newly baptized. He was convinced he was doing God’s work, for the God he knew wanted him to act in such a way. Again, from Acts: “But Saul was ravaging the church by entering house after house; dragging off both men and women, he committed them to prison”.[ii]
Before he changed, before he bore witness to a forgiving God, before he met Jesus on the road to Damascus, Saul was a violent man, a man who would raise the lash and persecute those who he saw as sinners.
He would raise his lash seeking out the others, the ones who separated, persecuting those who did not share his religion. He would seek out those new followers of Jesus and arrest them, because that was what he knew. He was a zealot for his religion, and he did his job well.
He was certain of his life’s direction. And later, after he changed, he reflected on his past in Galatians:
You have heard, no doubt, of my earlier life... I was violently persecuting the church of God and was trying to destroy it. I advanced… beyond many among my people of the same age, for I was far more zealous for the traditions of my ancestors.[iii]
How must that have felt? How, after he witnessed God’s love did he feel about rooting on the death of Stephen? How did he come to terms with the fact that he sent so many people to prison? How did he digest the idea that though now he was forgiven, he was complicit in some of those people’s deaths?
We walk into church on Sundays and we ask for forgiveness from a forgiving God. In our daily lives we sin and we ask for forgiveness. We say bad things. We do bad things. Sometimes our sins are big, other times they mean very little, but if we ask for forgiveness and we continue to try to live righteously, we are forgiven by a God who loves us most of all.
We confess and are then forgiven. And in another sense, we forgive others when they ask of our forgiveness for that is the way we are taught and that is the way that allows us to build and maintain the communities in which we live. It allows us to not only worship God but to walk with Christ and to share in his ministry and perform works of kindness that could not be performed if we were burdened with a heavy and unforgiving heart.
Saul of Tarsus was not very nice earlier in his life, in fact he was bad. His sins were big and still God forgave him. After he was forgiven, he continued to go door to door and city to city, but he was no longer persecuting Christians, rather he was working to build up Christianity. He traveled all over the Roman Empire making tents and preaching the word. He worked tirelessly, without stop for many years but why? Why did he work so hard? This was a man who was forgiven by God! Why not skate on that fact for a little while, hang around Damascus for a bit and revel in the idea that all of his sins were forgiven?
Well, perhaps the answer is obvious and perhaps it is not. The obvious answer is that God did forgive Saul and having been forgiven, he was inspired to preach the gospel and share the Word with as many people that he could. I do believe this answer fits.
But then, there is I think a more subtle answer: That Saul was trying to forgive himself; that he was ashamed of the violence he inflicted on others and that each time he raised his hand to bless another, he was lessening the guilt he felt of having ever raised the lash. I am probably projecting here but this makes sense to me as well because there was a time in my life when I was away from the church, when I lived a life of individualism and isolation from a community of love.
And this is where forgiveness gets difficult. Sure we can forgive others and certainly, God forgives us, but how do we forgive ourselves? How do we get over the resentment and the guilt when it is our own selves who are causing us pain? It’s not easy.
Now, as I mentioned before, we are all sinners, therefore, I am a sinner. I am not guilty of any great sins; I did not abscond with the church funds or run away with a Senator’s wife. Nor have I killed a man, but I have sinned and I hate that I have done so. On my down days that fact eats at me and I sometimes think a week is not complete if I don’t shake my head and shudder at the thought of some stupid thing I did twenty years ago.
This is not healthy! We need to release, to let go of those things that nag at us, that we beat ourselves up over. I recently read an article that quoted Sharon A. Hartman, a clinical trainer at a drug and alcohol treatment center when researching the topic of forgiveness for this sermon. She states:
A chronic state of anger and resentment interferes with life... Countless studies also show stress and anger can cause or worsen diseases, such as cancer, heart disease, and various autoimmune disorders. "When resentment is interfering with your life, it's time to forgive yourself," she says. "So many people have a constant, critical voice in their heads narrating their every move." She says she calls her critical voice "Gertrude" and tries to counteract Gertrude's eternal litany with positive affirmations -- that she is getting better, that she is less angry. "Forgiving doesn't mean not being angry with yourself, but not hating yourself. No one can beat us up better than we beat ourselves up.[iv]
And I think she’s right. It is a process, whether you call that nagging voice in your head Gertrude or not, it’s important to address that internal thing that is eating at us. To say: “Look, I messed up, but I’m fixing it. I will not repeat what I did wrong. I will not continue to do the same bad things”. That is where it starts. It starts with us acting in a way we would expect others to act if they were asking us for forgiveness.
It’s important to note here that I am not talking about forgiving who we are, things that we cannot change. Instead I am talking about particular situations in which we could have performed differently or better. In the same article I mentioned above, Joretta Marshall, a Methodist minister is quoted:
People often try to forgive themselves for the wrong things. We think we ought to forgive ourselves for being human and making human mistakes. People don't have to forgive themselves for being who they are... Forgiveness means being specific about what we did that needs forgiving.[v]
Imagine that: Allowing ourselves to be who we are and then focusing on those parts of our lives that can and need to be fixed. Forgiving ourselves includes compartmentalizing the bad and letting go of those things we cannot change. Forgiving ourselves means saying “stop!” and saying this will hurt me no longer.
A final quote:
Forgiving yourself isn't a slogging, long-term, "good day/bad day" type of thing… At some point…you reach a turning point. Something shifts. You feel less burdened, you have more energy. You live longer, you have better health. We all <mess> up sometime…Forgiving ourselves is as close as we come to a system reset button.[vi]
And so I will continue to try. To try not to beat myself up about things. To try to let go. To look for that reset button and forgive myself as others forgive me and God forgives me. Recall what was said in Colossians this morning: “..forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”.
God forgives us! And so too, should we forgive ourselves.
Amen
Later in life he would pursue the followers of a nascent religion with vigor and with violence. Saul would go door to door and arrest the newly baptized. He was convinced he was doing God’s work, for the God he knew wanted him to act in such a way. Again, from Acts: “But Saul was ravaging the church by entering house after house; dragging off both men and women, he committed them to prison”.[ii]
Before he changed, before he bore witness to a forgiving God, before he met Jesus on the road to Damascus, Saul was a violent man, a man who would raise the lash and persecute those who he saw as sinners.
He would raise his lash seeking out the others, the ones who separated, persecuting those who did not share his religion. He would seek out those new followers of Jesus and arrest them, because that was what he knew. He was a zealot for his religion, and he did his job well.
He was certain of his life’s direction. And later, after he changed, he reflected on his past in Galatians:
You have heard, no doubt, of my earlier life... I was violently persecuting the church of God and was trying to destroy it. I advanced… beyond many among my people of the same age, for I was far more zealous for the traditions of my ancestors.[iii]
How must that have felt? How, after he witnessed God’s love did he feel about rooting on the death of Stephen? How did he come to terms with the fact that he sent so many people to prison? How did he digest the idea that though now he was forgiven, he was complicit in some of those people’s deaths?
We walk into church on Sundays and we ask for forgiveness from a forgiving God. In our daily lives we sin and we ask for forgiveness. We say bad things. We do bad things. Sometimes our sins are big, other times they mean very little, but if we ask for forgiveness and we continue to try to live righteously, we are forgiven by a God who loves us most of all.
We confess and are then forgiven. And in another sense, we forgive others when they ask of our forgiveness for that is the way we are taught and that is the way that allows us to build and maintain the communities in which we live. It allows us to not only worship God but to walk with Christ and to share in his ministry and perform works of kindness that could not be performed if we were burdened with a heavy and unforgiving heart.
Saul of Tarsus was not very nice earlier in his life, in fact he was bad. His sins were big and still God forgave him. After he was forgiven, he continued to go door to door and city to city, but he was no longer persecuting Christians, rather he was working to build up Christianity. He traveled all over the Roman Empire making tents and preaching the word. He worked tirelessly, without stop for many years but why? Why did he work so hard? This was a man who was forgiven by God! Why not skate on that fact for a little while, hang around Damascus for a bit and revel in the idea that all of his sins were forgiven?
Well, perhaps the answer is obvious and perhaps it is not. The obvious answer is that God did forgive Saul and having been forgiven, he was inspired to preach the gospel and share the Word with as many people that he could. I do believe this answer fits.
But then, there is I think a more subtle answer: That Saul was trying to forgive himself; that he was ashamed of the violence he inflicted on others and that each time he raised his hand to bless another, he was lessening the guilt he felt of having ever raised the lash. I am probably projecting here but this makes sense to me as well because there was a time in my life when I was away from the church, when I lived a life of individualism and isolation from a community of love.
And this is where forgiveness gets difficult. Sure we can forgive others and certainly, God forgives us, but how do we forgive ourselves? How do we get over the resentment and the guilt when it is our own selves who are causing us pain? It’s not easy.
Now, as I mentioned before, we are all sinners, therefore, I am a sinner. I am not guilty of any great sins; I did not abscond with the church funds or run away with a Senator’s wife. Nor have I killed a man, but I have sinned and I hate that I have done so. On my down days that fact eats at me and I sometimes think a week is not complete if I don’t shake my head and shudder at the thought of some stupid thing I did twenty years ago.
This is not healthy! We need to release, to let go of those things that nag at us, that we beat ourselves up over. I recently read an article that quoted Sharon A. Hartman, a clinical trainer at a drug and alcohol treatment center when researching the topic of forgiveness for this sermon. She states:
A chronic state of anger and resentment interferes with life... Countless studies also show stress and anger can cause or worsen diseases, such as cancer, heart disease, and various autoimmune disorders. "When resentment is interfering with your life, it's time to forgive yourself," she says. "So many people have a constant, critical voice in their heads narrating their every move." She says she calls her critical voice "Gertrude" and tries to counteract Gertrude's eternal litany with positive affirmations -- that she is getting better, that she is less angry. "Forgiving doesn't mean not being angry with yourself, but not hating yourself. No one can beat us up better than we beat ourselves up.[iv]
And I think she’s right. It is a process, whether you call that nagging voice in your head Gertrude or not, it’s important to address that internal thing that is eating at us. To say: “Look, I messed up, but I’m fixing it. I will not repeat what I did wrong. I will not continue to do the same bad things”. That is where it starts. It starts with us acting in a way we would expect others to act if they were asking us for forgiveness.
It’s important to note here that I am not talking about forgiving who we are, things that we cannot change. Instead I am talking about particular situations in which we could have performed differently or better. In the same article I mentioned above, Joretta Marshall, a Methodist minister is quoted:
People often try to forgive themselves for the wrong things. We think we ought to forgive ourselves for being human and making human mistakes. People don't have to forgive themselves for being who they are... Forgiveness means being specific about what we did that needs forgiving.[v]
Imagine that: Allowing ourselves to be who we are and then focusing on those parts of our lives that can and need to be fixed. Forgiving ourselves includes compartmentalizing the bad and letting go of those things we cannot change. Forgiving ourselves means saying “stop!” and saying this will hurt me no longer.
A final quote:
Forgiving yourself isn't a slogging, long-term, "good day/bad day" type of thing… At some point…you reach a turning point. Something shifts. You feel less burdened, you have more energy. You live longer, you have better health. We all <mess> up sometime…Forgiving ourselves is as close as we come to a system reset button.[vi]
And so I will continue to try. To try not to beat myself up about things. To try to let go. To look for that reset button and forgive myself as others forgive me and God forgives me. Recall what was said in Colossians this morning: “..forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”.
God forgives us! And so too, should we forgive ourselves.
Amen
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