My childhood is filled of memories of me finding my Christmas presents early, or spoiling surprise outings and family vacations. For some reason, I had thought knowing beforehand was better. Maybe that's because I'm a planner by nature, or maybe just have a fear of disappointment. Regardless, it didn't prepare me for the uncertainty my future held. Shortly after marrying the love of my life at the young age of 23 (I told you, I didn't like waiting), we found out that it was practically impossible for us to have a family naturally. We were devastated, yet plunged forward trying whatever means necessary to make sure we achieved our goal. When we met with the fertility doctors, they told us that we were one of the youngest couples they had ever worked with and that meant our chances were much better. Unfortunately, after much disappointment, struggle and the darkest moments of our lives, we never got to leave the hospital with a baby of our own. During that time, faith was a struggle. In one minute, your turmoil is turned to relief that there is reason, and in the next you aren't sure of anything anymore. Many moments I blamed, I pleaded, and I prayed. I felt hopeless and comfortless.
Somehow through my grief, I began to research adoption. During this research I was confronted by the words "waiting list" over and over and over again. At this point it has already been roughly 2 years, and I wasn't sure I could spend another 2 years waiting by my phone and computer to get the call that we had been matched. Anyways, by happenstance I stumbled across the DCF website where it has a section of "Waiting" children. In my head, I was like "I am waiting ... they are waiting... here is the answer!" Needless to say, waiting is still a key component in adoption through DCF, too. In May 2010, our prayers had been answered when our son Alex was matched and then placed with us. His adoption was finalized 3 days before Christmas the same year. It had taken 4 years with lots of blood, sweat and a whole lot of tears to get there. After being a mom settled in, I would start to think about the journey we made to get Alex. During the moments I thought I had nothing left, something kept me going. Something kept pushing me forward.
When I look back at the timing of how everything happened, there is not a moment where I don't believe that it all happened so I could be Alex's mom. Every moment of pain and hope was to make sure I could love and accept this child God found for us. He is five and a half now, and I wish I could slow down time. Every year seems to slip by so fast, and he amazes us every day.
During the last two years, our lives also took us on another journey that ended up with the adoption of our second son, Luke, this September. Adding to our family once again had it's unique challenges, including lots of waiting, as well as our "Godson" Leo.
I am still a planner who finds it hard to let go of that control, but when I manage to, I feel a deep sense of relief that God is giving me the strength to make it to the next step and that he is leading me to the future he wants for me.